where you are

i dont know where you are-

if it is as though you are on the other side of the median driving the other way- if it is as though you are only two steps behind my every move- if it is as though you are on the other side of the mirror that i look into when i wake up-

i dont know where you are.

–

i hope the coffee is warm, and i hope there is extra cream and sugar so that you have it just as you loved it on sunday mornings;

i hope that it is always autumn- that it is always the early evening- that there is nothing to be done other than to watch the sky

i hope that where you are, you can see me, though it is selfish and though you told me to not be selfish; i hope that where you are you can remember the moments of our lives together though our love was just twenty years long.

–

mom, i hope that the sun is always shining but that it is never too hot; that there are days too when you always are able to wear your favorite coat

that you can cook dinner for everyone that you are seeing yet again with new eyes; that you do not have to clean up the dishes.

–

i hope that wherever you are, you know that your favorite rings will always, always rest around my neck: on the day of my graduation, on my eventual wedding day, when i have my first child; and at the moment that i take my last breath. i hope that wherever you are, you too have your favorite rings and you too can hold them when you are anxious, if you ever, ever are.

–

i hope that i have a daughter so that she can wear your name; i hope that i have a son so that he can hear all of the stories from my father about falling in love with you; i hope that when i have a child, i am even half the mother that you were to me.

–

i don’t know where you are but i hope that there are days when you can relax by the river with your toes in the mud, because you never minded imperfection, in fact you loved it. you loved moments that other people would have despised; you loved the cold frigid days, the scolding hot days, the taste of cigarettes;

i hope they have your favorite brand in heaven, if that is where you are.